today is yesterday’s tomorrow

My partner and I are each taking a moment to reflect. Quiet time. Thinking about “all of the things” while her kids fall asleep and before we settle in with some landing activity. Some journaling for her. Actually writing again, for me. So, here it is. My rambling. Contain yourself. Freudian-free-write-style, with hopeful ambitions of edited correctness. My summation of 2019 and journey into 2020. Reframing at it’s best, courtesy of a lesson from my Q.

What am I thinking about? By many standards the year was a rough one. I will spare the details of every significant event but will overview it as: a divorce finalized, a stint of alcoholism, moving to another state for help, ending of two jobs, starting a new job, moving again and finding that one person who “gets” me, depression, and a promotion. Since January of 2019, I have been on some form of recovery. A positive trajectory, if I may add, which of course, had it’s own ups-and-downs. Yet, here I am. The last day of 2019 and not feeling the imposter syndrome that plagued me not that long ago. Creating lists of things that I want (or need) to do. Making plans that are solid and will benefit a life. Not just survival mode which I had grown so accustomed to. (To be fair, the survival mode was often self-inflicted, but never-the-less, a reality.)

I am not for radical resolutions. Perhaps radical is a strong view. What I am thinking of is usually the Facebook post – lists of things to do which are not progressive (such as running a marathon in a month and starting with buying all the wardrobe). I am a strong believer that slapping a new tag on a used item does not make it new. Face it, if you put a bow on an ugly baby, you are left with an awkward photo – and still have an ugly baby. Do not poo-poo my analogy, we have all seen that child. Anyways, that is not the point. I have been spending lots of time self-evaluating. Boiling down my oceans into core actionable items. Yes it is hard work. F#@&%! hard work in fact. It may not be a catchy as proclaiming a wealth and fitness turnaround, but it is legit. Truth. Buddhistic views point out that something is neither good or bad but the emotion that you attach to it makes it that way. I am not Buddhistic, though I do think that is an accurate viewpoint. And when I reflect on so many ideas through that filter I am left with incriminating evidence on numerous occasions.

Recently, I constructed a timeline with all of the events in my life which had lasting impacts. Go figure, most of them were negative. While I used the personal inventory to start drafting a fiction novel I had to rethink the items that I called out. What about the good times? I was so focused on the wrongs that I have done (or wrongs done to me) that I neglected to remember the good times too. It is easy to get lost in the negative. That abyss of self loathing which can come at you like the Nothing. (The Nothing, is a “The Never Ending Story” reference.) Plus, you have to exacerbate the mood with music. (Who doesn’t play emo or rah-rah hate metal when in a mood?) The same-old-same-old will only leave you with the same-old. New year. New resolutions… just like last year… Rinse and repeat. Taking control will go against the grain and most likely will continue to be uncomfortable. Questionable and uncertain at times. Though it is time to do something and it has taken me a lifetime to realize it. Not to mention continual incremental work.

Maybe 2020 is going to be a stellar year. Or perhaps it will change again and there will be valley’s to dip into. My grandma used to say “Today is yesterday’s tomorrow.” Often, she was referring to putting things off or no time like the present… I have been thinking about that a lot. So, here is to clarity in 20/20. Seeing things as they are and not carrying the weighted emotions along. This is a life full of blessings and it is time to view it that way.