Right now, I am sipping on a Mr. Coffee version of coffee. My pour-over set is at the apartment and I did not bring it with me. If you have not tried a pour over you should consider it. In fact, stop right now and click the link to find you a set of tools to drink coffee or tea. Go on. I’ll be here when you come back. On a side note, if you want to recommend a coffee or tea, please do so in the comments. That would, in fact, make my day. I am always looking for new recommendations.

Ok, welcome back! With that out of the way (the ADHD side of me wants to know what you’re drinking) let us focus on the task at hand. Today’s post is the first of a category that I am calling the Sunday Coffee Break. Of course, tea or whatever your preference, is fine too. The category is some loose organization for me, to focus some of my Dug-the-dog tendencies. The pausing is part of a habit that I have created which allows me to take a moment, sit down, and savor something. The rich bold flavor or newly ground beans or perhaps the spicy sweetness of a hot chai tea. Then… read or write or just think.

I would like to take this break to think about, grace, for yourself. Grace, while often Christian, it doesn’t have to be. The point that I am forming here is the freedom to excuse yourself for something that did not go quite as you had wished. If you are anything like me (sheepishly raises hand with puppy eyes) you probably did some boneheaded thing that you regret. Hey – look up – it’s okay. I know, I know, it was unavoidable. I am sure that it was. Yet, why do we tend to be so hard on ourselves? I can think of so many examples where no one even noticed the blunder. Small or perhaps insignificant. The end result may have not even impacted it. Yet, we will tie ourselves to the steaks, kick the can of fuel while practically asking for a spark to set us ablaze. Oh, and it is likely we gagged ourselves so that no one can hear the muffled sounds we would make. WHY?!?!?

I find myself reflecting often on some scenarios like the above. Granted, it is always metaphorical. The landlord frowns on inside fires. Think, for me, of something that happened to/for you this week. “Shoot, I should have…” or “I cannot believe that I…” I am betting that it was insignificant in the big picture of things. When we are on at the end of our days, what are the odds that you will be regretting and dwelling on that particular thing? Really think about it. As your life starts to flash before your eyes – are you really going to stop on that thing? Is that going to be the thing keeping you from crossing over? Your “unfinished business?” (That is a Casper reference if you were thinking that sounded familiar.) Or perhaps we have to take another look at it…

Two techniques come to mind when pondering this topic. Reframing and thinking in third person. Part of the reframing may, in fact, require thinking differently. And that is okay too. Reframing is taking the situation and putting it into a different context. And it is an actual step or process in psychology. Think about the situation differently. Sometimes reframing requires looking at things from another’s perspective. While your paradigm has the world ending what did another person think? Perhaps you need to “walk in their shoes.” Or at least think about it. (I have a weird foot think so I would have to sanitize the hell out of them before literally trying it…) Another thought may be to compare the event to the whole view, such as, what was the real impact? This aligns more with the end of days discussion I wandered into a moment ago.

The other technique, I guess, could also be reframing. Third-person was the easiest method for me to grasp when I first heard about it. When you are in the dumps for that darn thing that just happened, it is hard to escape the selfish desire to wallow in your own muck. Yes, I said it. Boycott me now. Kidding, please don’t. If you do please leave nice comments about what tea or coffee you suggest… Anyway, what I found easiest to do is think in third person. You know, like when you are reading a story and it is talking about him and her not the I and we… Let’s say you just burned dinner and had guests on the way… I would be upset, frantic about what I had done, what was I going to do, complain about the time, think of some logic (even illogical) as to why the oven didn’t work properly, and have my story ready. Like a shielded soldier at the front line – I am prepared to let others know what happened and keep myself intact. Bruised and black-eyed later, I would dwell on the letdown… how I may have even ruined the night. The laughter that was had, the hours spent with family/friends reminiscing, lost to the smokey entree that I messed up. It was Aunt Gertrude’s favorite and the only time I will get to see her… Stop it. Just stop. Looking at it from third person, I would see a person, so excited to see his family and friends, who made a mistake but pulled it off somehow anyway. Look at the night and the enjoyment that did take place. I would only empathize with the cook’s mishap and ask if I could help them get back on track. So, why, when it is us do we let self-talk defeat us so… Enter a new way.

I am by no means perfect at this. My self-talk is somewhere between a wild banshee, laughing hyena and turkey buzzard. Aggressive, mocking and won’t leave the carcass alone. It takes one hell of a scarecrow, giant broom and crucifix to ward it off too. However, I will tell you that with practice I am much better at it. The hope can be had – and that is ok. Learn. Try. Repeat. One study shows that it takes twenty-one days to make a habit. Which means a whole lot of practice. Each time we try, we are rewiring our brains. New pathways in our brains are being formed and old ways being broken. And that, my friends, is both hard work plus something to be proud of.

While I by no means know it all. I do not have a Phd. in the human condition. I do, however, have lots of time and experience dealing with self-talk. The paradigm shifts take time too. But, they are freeing when you can use them. It’s not about escaping fault. Things have consequences. Truth. It is about taking a hard look at things and growing from it. Then, pay it forward to another person when they are experiencing the same conundrums. Besides, it would be weird to have “unfinished business,” I would be a terrible looking ghost.