landing routine: anchors and sails

The concept of anchors and sails was first presented to me at a bible study group while living in Madison, WI. The idea was used during a community group but it never really caught on past that. Several years later and several life events… the idea came back again. This time though, it was a pattern that was catchy and could easily be incorporated as a normal routine for me. Combined with several Wired for Love habits, the activities facilitated much-needed couple bubble growth. A couple bubble, being what Stan Tatkin associates as a place where partners cling to one another for growth and security. In the book, there is also a practice called a landing routine. In short, it is a thoughtful way to come together at the end of the day associated with a positive routine. Now that all of that has been said, I think you’re caught up to speed with the context of the balance of the post…

The idea of anchors and sails is that a person will share, for an agreed-upon amount of time, something that weighed upon them or didn’t go as planned. Our attempt is daily. An anchor is a mental or actual setback of some sort. In contrast, a sail is something empowering or uplifting that brought a positive feeling to the person. Caution: it could be somewhat confusing if you have read Wired for Love where an anchor is a personality type. For reference, and duration of this post, I am using the word anchor to describe a feeling or moment. Something that dragged you down in some manner. So, putting this together, I would ask, “Today, what were your anchors and sails?” Then we would discuss and I would answer the same.

There is nothing magical about it. It is simply communicating with one another. The difference is that there is a routine. A predictable pattern. In a subconscious way, I also find myself being more cognizant of my daily interactions. During the day, I often find myself going through something and thinking, “that is a definite sail (or anchor appropriately).” Combine these activities with a cup of tea (Rooibos is a good one) and you have a landing routine. Which, in the opinion of my partner and I, have found it spawning natural and open dialogue. It’s not perfect, but it is something looked forward to during and ending a long day. Short ones too 😉 The point is this. Communicate. Good. Bad. Ugly (enter the woo-ooo-woo-ooo.. sound). Put down the phone. Shut the laptop. Close the digital book on your iPad. Face to face interaction.

It has taken several years and countless mishaps to appreciate this. And guess what, it is still imperfect, even though the effort does not waiver. Oh, perfection. The destroyer of progression. Some days it’s a long and in-depth conversation. Others, the thought can barely be finished before Zzzz… That doesn’t stop the effort though. And we are so much better for it. So, while the days can be crazy and long, and we become bombarded with every possible attention distraction, there is a moment at the end of the day where a pause can be had. Earned (you made it). A moment with your child, a friend, and/or a partner. Coming together is a great thing. So pour some tea, cozy-up and enjoy.

Cheers!